It's late February and it feels like late spring. The clouds are gone, the sun is out, and while it may not be exactly balmy out there, I can't help but raise my face to the sky and soak in what warmth there is. The sky has all the endless blue of a June afternoon... the kind of color you just want to leap into and never look back. We are leaving winter well behind and I can't say I'm sorry.
My concerto is memorized. Playing through it is a terrific feeling. Yeah, it's probably one of the easiest out of the 6 or so people who will be playing in the piano department's Concerto Competition semifinals. Yeah, it's not the longest. But it's beautiful and romantic and playing it makes me feel like I've achieved something. I'm no virtuoso, but I relish what I do and it reminds me why I love it so much.
I've got a second wind for this quarter. My depression seems to have lifted with the bad weather... this week is going to be crazy, but I feel like I can do it. I really think I can. Next quarter is going to be all kinds of insane, but I'm not even going to think about it right now. In a few weeks I'm going to Georgia... it will be sunny and gorgeous and I will be on the EAST COAST. For the first time in a while I am starting to feel beautiful. I don't need some guy to tell me I look pretty, because I can look in the mirror and see it for myself. I am strong, I am talented, I have plans and ambitions.
Now I just have to get over this stupid cold and I will be ready to take on the world.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Thursday, February 12, 2009
At What Point...
...does it stop being a bad week and start being depression?
I consider myself a normally optimistic person. I tend to deal well with a busy schedule, not enough sleep, and a heavy workload. I find ways to intersperse school work with drawing, or writing, or watching TV, or going out for coffee with friends. Whenever something bad happens, I find some bright side. --I have another person to accompany, but then I can't go to the lessons of different vocalist so I can take on more work. My wrist gets tired, but I'm doing physical therapy to make it better. I had to get up early for what turned out to be a cancelled lesson on Saturday, but then I went downtown and had breakfast at the Bagelry. You get the picture.
For whatever reason, the last two weeks have not been so optimistic. I think it started right before my busy midterms--I had to sacrifice some things (English reading) to make room for other things (time-consuming theory assignment), had lessons that left me feeling panicked and like some kind of accompanist failure ("Your problem is that you're trying to play all the notes. What do you mean, you don't know which ones to leave out? You've never tried? Not even once? What are you going to do if you have to play this twice as fast as you just did?"), had schoolwork piling up behind hours of practice I needed to catch up on, was too depressed to devote myself to much practice, felt ignored and neglected and walked on, and most of all couldn't--can't--fight back the stifling sense of helplessness, grief, fear, loneliness.
It's better when I'm around friends. Then my mind is off of all this and I can focus on whatever they're talking about. They might ask me what's wrong, but I can barely vocalize it; how do you explain all that in some kind of neatly-wrapped package? How does "I'm stressed out" cover "What if I can't make it doing my dream major" and "Why don't you really care how my day went when you ask?" and "Twice today I thought about making this all go away."
You can't. So I smile and shrug and say "Fine," because it's easier. And no one wants to hear all that, anyway. What do you tell someone who says that? "It'll be okay, just hang in there." That's not enough.
And yes, when I'm around people--in Ear training being silly, in English discussing oppressed women, in my lesson playing a concerto--I'm okay.
But as soon as I'm by myself, walking to class or my room or the next thing on my schedule--as soon as I'm alone with my thoughts, all this comes rushing back and I have to swallow and try not to cry, because people might actually stop and ask questions. I hate being vulnerable, even with people that I trust. I cry to myself and no one else. That's why I pair "I'm having a lousy week" with a shrug, because that gives some semblance of the idea that I will get over it. But it's almost a reflex, because right now it's really difficult for me to believe that.
So, what is this? I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm lost in the dark. I don't even know where to turn. Walking out of the PAC tonight, I stopped and looked out over the bay, barely visible but for the reflections in the dark, and wondered what it would be like to jump off the dock, flounder for a minute--I've never been a good swimmer, if even a passable one--and then breathe in icy salt water, choke, fade...
I couldn't do that. I have too much at stake here, too much that I've worked for and established just to leave it all behind like another tragic statistic, you know-- X% of college students commit suicide every year. But the fact that I thought about it scares the shit out of me. That's where I start wondering where this went from "midterm stress" to "borderline suicidal."
I just need it all to end. That's all.
I consider myself a normally optimistic person. I tend to deal well with a busy schedule, not enough sleep, and a heavy workload. I find ways to intersperse school work with drawing, or writing, or watching TV, or going out for coffee with friends. Whenever something bad happens, I find some bright side. --I have another person to accompany, but then I can't go to the lessons of different vocalist so I can take on more work. My wrist gets tired, but I'm doing physical therapy to make it better. I had to get up early for what turned out to be a cancelled lesson on Saturday, but then I went downtown and had breakfast at the Bagelry. You get the picture.
For whatever reason, the last two weeks have not been so optimistic. I think it started right before my busy midterms--I had to sacrifice some things (English reading) to make room for other things (time-consuming theory assignment), had lessons that left me feeling panicked and like some kind of accompanist failure ("Your problem is that you're trying to play all the notes. What do you mean, you don't know which ones to leave out? You've never tried? Not even once? What are you going to do if you have to play this twice as fast as you just did?"), had schoolwork piling up behind hours of practice I needed to catch up on, was too depressed to devote myself to much practice, felt ignored and neglected and walked on, and most of all couldn't--can't--fight back the stifling sense of helplessness, grief, fear, loneliness.
It's better when I'm around friends. Then my mind is off of all this and I can focus on whatever they're talking about. They might ask me what's wrong, but I can barely vocalize it; how do you explain all that in some kind of neatly-wrapped package? How does "I'm stressed out" cover "What if I can't make it doing my dream major" and "Why don't you really care how my day went when you ask?" and "Twice today I thought about making this all go away."
You can't. So I smile and shrug and say "Fine," because it's easier. And no one wants to hear all that, anyway. What do you tell someone who says that? "It'll be okay, just hang in there." That's not enough.
And yes, when I'm around people--in Ear training being silly, in English discussing oppressed women, in my lesson playing a concerto--I'm okay.
But as soon as I'm by myself, walking to class or my room or the next thing on my schedule--as soon as I'm alone with my thoughts, all this comes rushing back and I have to swallow and try not to cry, because people might actually stop and ask questions. I hate being vulnerable, even with people that I trust. I cry to myself and no one else. That's why I pair "I'm having a lousy week" with a shrug, because that gives some semblance of the idea that I will get over it. But it's almost a reflex, because right now it's really difficult for me to believe that.
So, what is this? I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm lost in the dark. I don't even know where to turn. Walking out of the PAC tonight, I stopped and looked out over the bay, barely visible but for the reflections in the dark, and wondered what it would be like to jump off the dock, flounder for a minute--I've never been a good swimmer, if even a passable one--and then breathe in icy salt water, choke, fade...
I couldn't do that. I have too much at stake here, too much that I've worked for and established just to leave it all behind like another tragic statistic, you know-- X% of college students commit suicide every year. But the fact that I thought about it scares the shit out of me. That's where I start wondering where this went from "midterm stress" to "borderline suicidal."
I just need it all to end. That's all.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
A Good End to a Bad Week
I just made a payment for what will probably be the coolest spring break I've ever had. Keep in mind this is coming from someone who has never really traveled outside the Pacific Northwest because we have a million animals at home that pretty much keep us from taking any family vacations.... however, now that I'm old enough to do things on my own......
I'm going to Georgia for spring break!!!!!!!!
Not to do anything too crazy, mind you. Two friends and I are representing the WWU collegiate chapter of MTNA at the national MTNA conference. It will be full of learning opportunities and amazing music. But the evenings will be free for us to explore the city and do a bit of sightseeing... the weather will be warm and beautiful.... and I will be on the East Coast, a place I've never been. Just the idea of it fills me with excitement. I just paid for airfare, so it's official now. Unless some catastrophe happens, I'm going. I'm FLYING there (did I mention how I haven't flown since I was maybe 7?). AAHHH!!
This week has been pretty sucky, though, so it's a good way to end it. On the bright side, I did get some more of my concerto memorized (it's actually pretty close) and had a movie-watching cuddlepile with a couple friends last night. It was lovely. I need more physical contact with people in my life, I have decided.
Now to go prepare for my English midterm. Bleh. Can't wait for the quarter to be over!
I'm going to Georgia for spring break!!!!!!!!
Not to do anything too crazy, mind you. Two friends and I are representing the WWU collegiate chapter of MTNA at the national MTNA conference. It will be full of learning opportunities and amazing music. But the evenings will be free for us to explore the city and do a bit of sightseeing... the weather will be warm and beautiful.... and I will be on the East Coast, a place I've never been. Just the idea of it fills me with excitement. I just paid for airfare, so it's official now. Unless some catastrophe happens, I'm going. I'm FLYING there (did I mention how I haven't flown since I was maybe 7?). AAHHH!!
This week has been pretty sucky, though, so it's a good way to end it. On the bright side, I did get some more of my concerto memorized (it's actually pretty close) and had a movie-watching cuddlepile with a couple friends last night. It was lovely. I need more physical contact with people in my life, I have decided.
Now to go prepare for my English midterm. Bleh. Can't wait for the quarter to be over!
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