Hard to believe that I have been at camp for a whole month now. It feels like a long time, but at the same time--it doesn't. There's just one day after another after another, and right now--in the middle of it all--I'm just kind of suspended and can't see the beginning or the end of it.
The Seasoned SALTs left this morning after staying for three and a half weeks. They were all emotional and didn't want to go home. I remember being like that a couple of years ago when I was in their position, just wanting to stay for the entire summer where I knew I was safe and happy and pouring myself into God's work. At this point, most of the summer staff has also been at camp for about as long as the SALTs were--four weeks to their three and a half--but at the ranch, there's still six more weeks of campers and then Labor Day Family Camp. Three and a half weeks sounds like a long time to be at camp, but it's really just a small fraction compared to those of us who are staying through the end of August. I'm just starting to realize how long that really is--but I wish I could have the burning desire to be here that the SALTs did. Isn't it funny how that works? They can't stay longer but wish they could, even though they get paid a ridiculously small amount of money for the work they do, and I have to stay but don't have the appreciation for that fact that I probably should. I know I'm blessed to have the opportunity to work at camp this summer, but it's easy to get weighed down by all the little hardships and overlook the big picture.
This week was really difficult for me, but not because of the Discovery (4-6th graders) kids. The weather turned hot again after the cloudiness of Family Camp, I burned (again.... despite my 60 SPF sunscreen), and the heat didn't help... but mostly I was cranky and sullen because I felt alone, still, and unsupported and miserable. I actually talked to several people about it out of sheer frustration for having to deal with negative emotions (my tendency is to wallow for a little while and then make efforts to pull myself out of it in whatever way possible)... but didn't really feel any better until a few nights ago when I talked to Amp, our program director at the Ranch, for a little heart-to-heart about the situation. She ended up praying with me and talking about things I needed to do to help myself, as well as possibly using my experience with this to lead a morning devotional about staff unity--since that is what seems to be lacking among us. The next day turned out to be the best one of the week attitude-wise for me. I felt ten times better and way more cheerful than I had been since before Family Camp. Since that day it's been a bit of a roller coaster, but overall I am doing better. I haven't decided yet if I'm going to do the devotional, but I'm definitely going to do a lot of thinking about it and defining for myself what unity should look like.
My riding group was pretty good this week. I had the three boys that came to camp, but they behaved pretty well. They were all good kids, really... some vivacious, some quiet and withdrawn, some timid, some distracted, some bold. Next week are the Junior High girls... 7-9th graders. I'm looking forward to them, because you can usually do more advanced riding stuff with the older kids, rather than just walking and trotting all week. The staff also take on much more of a 'role model' position and have to be even more responsible than ever--kids are watching and observing and looking up to us, and we have to uphold that Christlike behavior always.
I should go to bed and sleep while I can. The weekends are never long enough...
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